Ava's New Haircut

This picture simultaneously blows me away and breaks my heart in a very specific way. She got the guitar for Christmas. I heard her playing it while I was in the other room, and when I walked in there, I saw her and she just might as well have been 20. And then the babydoll right next to her is one she'd had since before Eden was born, with new baby clothes that Alice gave to her for Christmas. She is seeming more and more on the cusp of growing out of being a little girl and this was just one more example of it to me. It somehow captures that bridge of girlhood and big girl to me.

Perdanales State Park

I LOVE that picture of Eden. Cracks me up. At some point this day I looked at all the other people there and realized this is what we look like when we go hiking. Or "Bravewalking" as we still call it. I guess we don't do hiking clothes. Oh, well. We are what we are.

The Babies That Were Almost Ours

Before I got pregnant with Ava, I had two miscarriages. The first at 13 weeks, the second in my 6th week. They were excruciating. The first one in particular, left me dazed for weeks. Each time, I marveled at the ability to begin a seed of love for a baby, a person, I'd never met. And how that translated into so much grief after the loss.

On January 12th, we received THE phone call. Our agency social worker called to deliver the news that we'd been matched with a tiny baby bird of a boy. She immediately sent everything they knew about him; name, story, medical information, and a picture. His image appeared slowly on the computer screen and I began to cry. He was so tiny and beautiful. We had some concerns because of his history but we began to think of nicknames, imagine his life here with us, a baby boy with so many sisters caring for him. We began to love him. We sent his information to an International Adoption Clinic that routinely reviews Ethiopian children's files with the understanding that it would take A LOT for us to decline. I printed out his picture and carried it around with me so I could sneak looks at his sweet face. I walked on a cloud of excitement and secret happiness.

The next evening, we received the report from the clinic. The doctors were concerned. The report said he would need a level of lifelong care that we didn't feel equipped to handle. We had to decline the referral. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I know his face and name. I know what he needs. And I know we aren't meant to be his and he isn't meant to be ours. But my heart breaks typing these words. I will forever see his face in my mind and wonder what brought him to us for a short moment in time. I told Erik maybe he just needed some extra hearts to love him through this world. I have struggled to try to find a way to honor his place in our hearts while acknowledging that he will make his way through life with another family. But for now, I will have to find a way to love him from afar with a corner of my heart that will always be torn.

A Fun Dat At Gram's!

Alice and Jay bought a couple of thoroughbred ex-race horses. They are BIG and beautiful. Did I mention they were BIG? Safa looked like an ant on top of a mountain. They all loved it, especially Ava.

Even Mima and I Didn't Get This Drunk On Halloween

This is Tilly, Mima's eldest. We decided we'd probably see this picture repeat itself in another 15 years...

A Halloween House Full Of Flower Fairies

They posed all by themselves. They were all so sweet and beautiful...

Ava's Songs

She came to me one night with these in her head and asked me to help her write them down quickly so she wouldn't forget them...

"No One Touching the Sky"

When I was walking in the middle of the road
I saw lots of people
They were all saying,
"I'm going to do it, I'm going to be
the very first one to touch the sky"
When I got into the crowd I yelled,
"No one will touch the sky, just no one
No one can touch the sky!"

"How Different it Used To Be, Sailing Out to Sea"

How different it used to be,
sailing out to sea.
With all the sea rushing around
And the seaweed floating up and down

A Small Step for Womankind

I took Eden and Safa with me to vote and after we got in the car Eden wanted to talk politics. So we talked about it for a bit, then she said, "Mama, can only men be the president?" I could feel my heart break. We talked for a bit about that. Thirty minutes later I'm in Target getting Eden new panties when Safa spies the Thomas (whom she LOVES) boy underwear and asks if she can have them. This country may not be ready for a female president, but I'll be damned if my girl isn't gonna get those Thomas panties.